Stories from Down the Rabbit Hole

Prologue

I fell in love and shared a life with a man that I would come to know as a complete stranger. Ultimately enduring a near eleven year relationship with a person that while undiagnosed, embodied many of the presenting character traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD) as outlined in the DSM-5. While I am not a Psychologist, nor a mental health professional by any means, I have lived with him, loved him and suffered with him and at his hand; and subsequently, after much denial, diligently studied him. Telling my story…sharing my experiences, is by no means an effort to bash him, nor to out him. As a matter of fact, I have chosen to not reveal my face and to not include my surname. I loved this man with the purest most genuine and unconditional love that I could muster. Over time, it became painfully clear that he simply was not capable of reciprocation. I was determined that I would honor my vows to God as his wife, and that I would never leave him. Intimacy was difficult because connecting with him was such a challenge. I did not yet understand how it could be possible that he simply was not capable of bonding or connecting with anyone; nor empathy, and certainly not love. He, however, is the “great pretender”. He is charming and employs a magnetism that is undeniable. He is capable of feigning interest, happiness, joy, and even love, with the brilliance of a classically trained actor. He can go through the motions. He knows the right words to say. He can laugh as if on cue. He might even add a tear for effect. Underneath it all, he is a hollow shell. It took some time, but I eventually came to the realization that who he’d been since I met him was an act; and that the different personas that he’d created were the players, and I was the one to be played. The most difficult realization would be that I could not help him, nor save him; no matter how much I loved him. Watching him with his children, going through the motions has been by bar far one of my most heart wrenching memories. It is obvious to me that he wants to be genuine, but somehow there remains a void.

My time down the rabbit hole was the stuff from which nightmares are made. I experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows: loss of friendships, violence, addiction, financial ruin, and gut wrenching betrayals. I learned to sift through lies like a seasoned detective. This is not for the faint at heart.

Introduction

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