I am okay

18.05.2023

Dear Molly,

I never told anyone I have been dealing with mental health issues since 2015. It was the year I was starting to shed the nonchalance of childhood and enter the realm of young adulthood where I could see the world's faults. My school was unbearable. What began as academic pressure turned gradually into a bottomless chasm of depression and anxiety.

It’s 2023 now. I am standing here eight years later and I can finally say Molly, I am okay. My therapist recently told me that according to her analysis, I didn’t require any more regular therapy sessions. I can still visit her if I want to, though.

It feels like I have come out of a dark tunnel and can finally see some sunshine. Things don’t bother me as much anymore and I feel like my emotions are regulated. My relationships with some people have been repaired. It seems weird to say that I actually want to live. I am excited about the things I want to do in the future.

I am incredibly happy Molly, but somewhere I feel that I have become weak. In hindsight, I cannot imagine how I survived some of the toughest situations while dealing with mental health problems. I don’t think I have the strength to do that anymore. There is a small part of me that is grateful for the new ability in me to ask for help at the right time, but I feel like I have lost the independence and the strength with which I was able to do things alone previously. I reassure myself that the lifestyle I had, wherein I relied totally on myself and was determined not to ask for help was a rather unhealthy one.

Feeling happy and light after having been subjected to an unceremonious environment at home and school, an unruly group of teachers and children, and an unending cycle of negative thoughts in my head for the last eight years feels weird. I am constantly surprised at how I respond to my social and physical environment.

Molly, I never believed there was a way out of what I had been feeling. It took numerous therapists and an enormous amount of strength but I’ve finally done it. I have crossed the finish line. I know there is a great chance for me to relapse but for now, I’m enjoying this feeling.

I don’t like the person I was before I went to therapy. I think I reacted to a lot of situations with anger when I could have communicated healthily. Perhaps all this world needs is healthy communication. I strongly believe that if all the 8 billion people on this planet went to therapy, we would be a much kinder and more peaceful world.

Love

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