Putting The Miss In Mission

When all I can think about is this place, I knew something was wrong with me. A place where I could lose myself in my thoughts, digest all of my emotions, and cry. I’ve been going back and forth to this location since last June. It’s like a nightmare because I’ve been riding the rollercoaster and don’t know how to get off.

I have a friend who listens to different types of music depending on her current state of mind. Some people like to eat or buy something impulsively, while others like to run, box, or swim to relieve stress. There is no right or wrong in this section because people have different types of activities that suit them. Listening to music is by far the simplest way for me to relax. If that fails, I’ll eat or go somewhere where all I can see is people, blue sky, and lots of trees or flowers. If I’m already running twice a week or walking until I’m exhausted, it’s a warning sign that something is wrong. The last one is writing by any means necessary because something has messed up my mind so badly. So far, all of these activities are the self-soothing technique that works.

And now I’m back on this platform after a brief hiatus. I’ve been off balance since last June. However, I was able to work it out at some point until I couldn’t. Something is amiss, but I didn’t notice it until July. I’ve been suppressing my emotions in order to understand that it’s okay to miss, to not do something for someone’s birthday. I suppose it bothers me that I won’t be able to say anything, even just birthday greeting. Some people may believe that birthdays are unnecessary, but they have a deeper meaning for me. The birthdate is a reminder that we have another chance to live in this world, to find a purpose within ourselves, to become sharper than ever while also helping others. To me, a birthday is more than just a number or an age; it is a reason to live. Knowing that we will return to our Creator tomorrow, next week, or next year, it is time to live our lives to the fullest.

It saddens me that I for once ever took people for granted, and now, I don’t have a chance at all.

Writing helps me a lot to get through this, considering how off balance I am right now. I need to get back on my feet because my new baby is gonna launch next week and focus to get better by join physiotherapy for my knee injury. That’s why I’m unable to run, walk, or swim because I can barely walk at the same pace I was before, whereas, what I’m feeling right now can be solved by simply blowing off steam.

But that’s not me if not putting pressure on myself, is it? ehe. I decided to take a longer route home two nights ago. In my defense, I needed to take a breather. That night, I prayed to Allah on my way home, even though, I knew nothing would happen. I suppose what people say is true: if you pray sincerely, your prayers will be abundantly answered. The mistake I made was not including the ‘please give me strength to face it, God’ dua. God granted my request, and all I could do was smile from afar.

He looks good in a green t-shirt; bright colors always look better on him. I was frozen for a few moments, standing like a statue. My eyes became glazed, my chest hurt, and I still smiled behind my mask for some reason I don’t understand. All I want to say is, ‘Hey, nice to meet you, and happy birthday,’ but I know that’s just in my head. I stood there until he vanished into thin air, and then I went in another direction.

I tried not to cry on my way home. It’s a shame if anyone sees it. My chest hurts knowing how much I love that man when I know he was never <s>loved</s> interested in me in the first place. While on the road, I can’t stop listening to one of the Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol soundtracks.

This soundtrack tells the story of Tom Cruise, who sees his love from afar due to his current mission.

The only difference is that he isn’t looking back at me, but that’s the point. I did what Tom Cruise did; smiled when I saw him. When I got home, I burst into tears like someone who hadn’t cried in months. My chest aches. I guess it’s true what they say: it’s all about pain when you miss someone but can’t do anything about it. I’d like to tell him about my most recent project, how I finally got it right, but for what? He is never interested about my life.

I ended that night by praying to God to keep him safe and telling him how much I missed him. I guess there’s no other way to put it. I just need to stop missing someone who is never in the same feelings as I am.

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