Let Me Have My Coffee Before You Call Me Fat

I groggily got out of bed a little after 8 AM and set out to complete my morning routine. I am not a morning person, and thus my process of waking up is a protracted affair.

Just as I was getting my day started, my phone buzzed. My favorite aunt from Canada was calling me. I’m one of those rare millennials who still answer phone calls, so I picked up.

“Hello,” I began, trying not to slur my sleepy words. She, on the other hand, was wide awake.

My aunt proceeded to ask me about all aspects of my life, shooting off questions swiftly.

I tried my best to keep up.

She finally arrived at her questions about my partner. “How’s he doing?”

“He’s doing good,” I responded.

She was very happy to hear the update. It’s always great news when a woman finally fulfills her life’s penultimate task of finding a person who’ll marry her. Obviously, her most important responsibility is to have kids, but, you know, unwed mothers leave a bitter taste in society’s mouth.

So, first things first.

“Okay, well, there’s one final thing I wanted to discuss with you,” she began.

“You should take some steps to lose weight before your wedding. That way you can look pretty in your bridal clothes!” she said excitedly.

I had zero time to mentally prepare for this assault on my self-worth. I hadn’t even had my coffee yet. Here I was, just trying to shake my brain awake, and now I had to process an attack on my body image, bridal clothes, and a wedding.

This was a lot.

Marriage is not a priority for me. At that time, my partner and I weren’t even engaged. We have done this super radical thing called “taking our time” throughout our relationship. We both agreed to this approach, and it’s working well for us.

I found my way to the living room couch and collapsed on it. At that moment, I wished that I too was one of the millennials who hasn’t answered their phone in years.

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