What Kind of Justice do You Want?

Seeking Justice When You Are Wronged By Someone You Love

You caught your husband on Ashley Madison, making arrangements to meet another woman. You’re outraged. You want him to make it right. But, what’s right?

There are three ways of looking at justice, otherwise known as what’s right. There’s a fair share, fair play, and just desserts.

Distributive justice is about fairness and equality. If you’re concerned with there being a double standard: that he can run around on you, but you can’t run around on him, then you’re concerned with distributive justice. If you don’t think that you’re getting your fair share of attention, sex, or thoughtful gifts, then distributive justice is your thing. If it bothers you that other women enjoy the company of your husband without having to do his laundry, then there you go, distributive justice. In that case, your primary interest will be in getting what you think you deserve. Making amends for you would consist of making things equitable. Reconciliation is when the books are balanced, the playing field is leveled, and everyone starts at the same place.

The problem with seeking distributive justice is that not everyone puts in the same effort or has the same needs. The shirker gets the same rewards as the hard worker. When everyone gets the same portion at dinner, the teenage boys go hungry and the old women can’t finish their meal.

In your case, if you caught your husband on Ashley Madison, you may not have any desire to be on Ashley Madison. For that matter, you may have lost your interest in him; his attention, his sex, and his gifts. And, as for the laundry, well you’re doing laundry anyway, so maybe a few more things don’t matter. Also, having to dress up, put on makeup, and meet someone for a first date, like the women he’s meeting have to do, seems like an awful lot of work. If you’re asking for the same thing he or the other women are getting, be sure you want it.

This is called procedural justice. If you’re concerned that he broke his vows, told lies, did the whole thing in secret, and didn’t allow you the chance to object, approve, or solve the problem he used to…

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